


Where Is Your Heart?

by IlanaNight



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Hallucinations, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 01:23:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5028268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlanaNight/pseuds/IlanaNight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh knows what he has to do, what's necessary if he wants to be with Hannah again... but Chris isn't going to let him go so easily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Is Your Heart?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [interstellareloquence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/interstellareloquence/gifts).



> i've fallen so far into this i can't climb my way out

_“You can stay with me forever, Josh. We can be a family again.”_

Hannah’s voice lingered in his ears, taunting him as her smile flashed behind his eyes. For a moment it was her true smile, her true voice, and then it corrupted, the flesh peeling back from her lips and her teeth snapping at him.

 

Wide green eyes stared into empty space and saw his sister there, cooing to him and promising him the family he had lost.

 

There was a body beside him, a man he recognised, if only vaguely. Chris and this man had come to the shed to find him, Josh was almost certain. To save him, Chris had said, and perhaps his friend would have succeeded, if Josh hadn’t seen that creature and bolted fast as he could, slipping down the mountainside and ending up here, bruised and bloodied.

 

He knew what he had to do, he knew how to be with Hannah again. She’d told him, she’d held him close to her and told him how to fix everything.

 

She’d promised to forgive him.

 

And he _knew_ that was real. He could still feel her hand cold around his neck, could feel the bruises forming. She had brought him here, had dragged him from the water to this room and brought him the body.

 

Now all that remained was for him to follow her commands, still softly whispered in his ears, that voice he missed so much and yet heard so often, that haunted his dreams and delusions.

 

_“Join me, Josh. We’re siblings, right? You want to be with me forever, don’t you? It’s the **least** you could do, since you **let us die.”**_

 

Holding his head in his hands, Josh shook his head, muttering under his breath as tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, “No, no. I didn’t.. didn’t let you die.. I _looked for you_.. I wanted to find you… I missed you _so much,_ Han….

 

_“Then **prove it** , Josh.”_

 

His expression was disfigured in a grimace, the very thought of what he had to do disgusting him at a base level, but he reached for the knife beside the body nonetheless, trying to focus on Hannah’s words. Just a little piece, that’s all he needed, and all of his sins would be forgiven.

 

He’d be with his sister again, _forever,_ and she’d _forgive him_ and he wouldn’t hear her cries and screams in his sleep _ever again._

 

That was more than worth this.

 

Picking up the knife, Josh was careful not to touch the raw wound opening the man’s neck where his head should have been. If he was doing this, he was doing it as cleanly as possible.

 

Just as he was about to make the cut, a voice sliced through the fog of his delusions, a voice Josh would know at the end of the world.

 

“Josh!? Are you down here? _Josh,_ can you hear me?”

 

Chris had come back for him.

 

Frozen, Josh looked down at the knife in his hands, at the man’s body next to him, then to the left where Hannah was hovering, her hollow eyes looking at him with impatience now.

 

_“What are you **waiting for,** Joshua? **Join me.”**_

“But, but, Chris is here.. He came back for me… like he promised he would…” And Josh was muttering again, trying to reason with the voices in his head, with the ghostly face that appeared in front of him now, Hannah’s hollow cheeks pulled tight in a snarl.

_“What does **he** matter?”_

 

That hissed comment was enough to rouse Josh to yelling, though, a flash of anger in hollow green eyes, “He’s my best friend, Han!”

 

Josh’s voice echoed and bounced back off the walls of the mine shaft and from a distance, he heard a scurry, a fall of rocks, before Chris’s voice called out in return.

 

“Josh? Is that you? Buddy, where are you? I’m gonna get you the fuck outta this place!”

 

Calling weakly back, Josh looked over at the apparition of Hannah warily, knife still clutched in his hand, “I-I’m… I’m in here, bro! Just… Just here…”

 

“Wait there, man! I’m coming!”

 

Josh’s heart leapt in his chest, a warmth in his chest and tingling in his fingertips, stark contrast to the bone chill that had settled over him as of late. It was the warmth that only Chris knew how to spark, the temporary antidote to the ice water that raced in Josh’s veins instead of blood.

 

But in the silence that followed as Chris made his way down the corridor, the icy sensation crept back along with the fog of Josh’s hallucinations, his eyes flickering over to Hannah again. His sister’s eyes were narrowed in hatred and betrayal and it cut into Josh’s heart as he held the knife to his chest.

 

“Han… We’ve been friends since third grade.. I can’t just _ignore_ him…”

 

_“You always did **prefer** him, didn’t you, **Josh? He’s** more important to you than **we** are, isn’t he? That’s why you **let us die,** because you wanted to be with **him!”**_

 

Curling in on himself, Josh dropped the knife to place his hands over his ears, trying to block out Hannah’s accusations. His head shook, eyes wild as he stared down at the ground, unable to meet her eyes, “No, no.. I loved you both… I love him but I love you _too!_ I _never_ wanted this… I _never_ wanted you to _die_ , Han, you’ve _gotta believe me!”_

 

_“I can’t. Not until you join me. Show me that I mean more to you than **he**_ _does. We’re **family,** Josh. We should be **together.”**_

 

Without his realising, Josh began to rock back and forth, arms wrapped around his knees as he shook his head, muttering under his breath and avoiding looking up. He couldn’t look his sister in the eye, couldn’t see the blame there, couldn’t face his own guilt.

 

It was what had driven him over the edge in the first place, and what pushed him further each time.

 

Because somewhere deep inside, the words rang true. He had been focused on Chris that night, he had been busy with his friend, and he hadn’t realised what happened until it was too late.

 

His fingers were twitching to pick up the knife again, just to stop the voices, stop the guilt, when Chris came into the room, catching sight of Josh curled up alone in the center of the room.

 

“Josh! I’m here, buddy, I’m here… Are you alright?” He hurried over to his friend’s side and gasped as he saw the body beside Josh, the bruises blossoming around his best friend’s neck, and the rusty knife in his hand, “Josh?”

 

“She wants me to stay with her, Chris… She wants me to join her… She says she’ll… forgive me if I do…” Josh’s voice was whisper-quiet as he clutched the knife, looking down at the body rather than up at his friend.

 

For a moment, Chris looked around, trying to see just who Josh was talking about, but when he found no one else in the room, he realised that Josh was lost in one of his delusions. They’d been a passing issue when they were younger, easy to tug him out of, but since Hannah and Beth’s disappearance, they’d become nearly constant, and much more real.

 

Josh rarely went a day without episodes now.

 

Chris knelt beside the brunet, carefully reaching out to place a hand on Josh’s back, right between his shoulder blades. The touch was light, something Josh could have pulled away from easily, and that was what was important. More than anything in his episodes, Josh was terrified of being trapped.

 

“There’s no one here, Josh. Just me. Just us. And you can’t stay here, bro, I’m not letting you. _Especially_ not if you’re about to do what I think you are. No way I’m letting my best friend become a wendigo, man, those things are fuckin’ ugly.” It was a poor attempt at humour, just something to try and cut the mood, to get Josh to _look at him,_ for Christ’s sake, but it worked, the brunet’s mouth twitching up in the slightest hint of a smile, “Your face is too pretty for that, man. Don’t tell me you’re really gonna sacrifice that.”

 

Slowly, Josh looked up and over at Chris, trying to keep the blond in the centre of his vision and avoid looking at the spectre of Hannah hovering to his left, “S-someone’s gotta be pretty around here, right? To.. to make up for your ugly mug…”

 

Chris grinned at that, glad to see that Josh was making some attempt at his old sense of humour, and the hand between Josh’s shoulder blades slid over further to wrap around the brunet, pulling him close to Chris, “That’s right, bro. You can’t just leave me to be ugly on my own.”

 

The arm around him was enough to rouse Josh into movement, the knife slipping from his fingers as he reached for Chris, digging his fingers into his best friend’s shirt and burying his head against Chris’s shoulder. The humour had drained from his face by now, replaced by ice cold terror, “Tell me you’re real… Tell me she’s not… Tell me she’s not there…”

 

Chris’s head came to settle atop his own, a warm and familiar weight. Josh had spent many a night curled up against Chris since his sisters’ disappearance, many a night crying into his best friend or calling him at unholy hours. No matter the time, Chris always answered, Chris always came.

 

He was more familiar with the sound of Chris’s heartbeat than his own, he was almost certain.

 

Slowly, the blond wrapped his arms around Josh, rubbing his friends back and making soft shushing noises, trying to calm Josh and bring him back down to earth, “She’s not real, bro. It’s just us. I’m here, you’re here, that’s it. And we’re gonna get you out of here.”

 

Shaky nods of the head came in response, Josh trying his best to focus on Chris’s words, to internalise them and let them wash over him. He was real, Chris was real, _Hannah_ wasn’t… At least, not the Hannah he could see.

 

“S-she’s… she’s gonna _hate me,_ Chris.”

 

Shifting their positions, Chris pulled at Josh’s chin, trying to convince the brunet to meet his eyes and smiling when he finally did, “She could never hate you, Josh. You know Hannah, not a bad bone in her body. And the _real_ Hannah would want you to be safe and happy, don’t you think?”

 

“Y-yeah… She would… You’re right…” The ghoulish spectre of Hannah shrieked at him, lips pulled back into a snarl and revealing yellowed, elongated fangs and Josh flinched, frightened by sounds only he could hear. Turning to glare at her, his voice raised to a yell, “You’re _not real!”_

_“Don’t you **love me,** Josh? Don’t you want to stay with me? Are you **really** going to abandon me for **Chris** again?”_

 

For a moment, Josh forgot that the man in question was still holding him, was still very much hear, and he bit back tears as he dismissed Hannah with a hoarse cry, “You’re not _real,_ Hannah! And I love him _too!”_

 

With a hiss, the spectre of Hannah began to flicker out of existence, but not before she took her old, healthy human form again and spat one final sentence at him, _“I hope you’re happy, **brother.”**_

 

Slowly, Josh came back to himself as Hannah disappeared, shaking in Chris’s arms and muttering nonsensicals, half-words and broken phrases until he finally fell silent, mouth pressed into a thin line beneath haunted green eyes.

 

Something in Josh’s posture told Chris that the apparition had passed and that, at least for the moment, Josh was alone with him. He shook Josh carefully, not wanting to jostle his friend unduly and risk sending him into hysterics, “C’mon, man. Let’s… let’s get outta this hellhole. Can you walk?”

 

Nodding, Josh extricated himself from Chris’s arms, the chill already threatening to set into his limbs again, a shiver going down his spine, “Yeah… Not fast, but I can.”

 

Chris stood first before offering a hand to Josh and pulling the brunet up, keeping hold of Josh’s hand while he found his footing, wincing. Chris couldn’t tell from here just how badly or where Josh was hurt, but he couldn’t imagine falling down here and being dragged around by a wendigo had left him unscathed.

 

“The way out’s not far from here, if you’re up for some rock climbing.”

 

Forcing a smile, Josh nodded, the laugh that tumbled past his lips half-hysterical, “I’m always up for kicking your ass at rock climbing, Cochise.”

 

“We’ll see about that, bro. I’ve been getting some real practice in.”

 

The banter as they walked helped keep Josh’s mind off the body in the room they’d left behind, the knife in his hands, just how _close_ he’d been to giving in, to becoming one of those _things._ And just how much he was still tempted to turn back and do it.

 

At the base of the rock wall, Chris put a fist up in triumph as he looked up. The sky was beginning to lighten, turning a pale, bluish white. The sun was almost up, they’d be safe. All that was left was getting up the cliff face and back to the lodge until the rescuers came for them.

 

Chris prepared to scale the wall but when he turned back to offer Josh a foot up, he saw that the brunet was staring back into the mines with a melancholic expression on his face. Bright green eyes were searching the entrance to the mines as if expecting something, or someone, to be there, and Chris couldn’t help but frown at the sight.

 

Grabbing Josh’s shoulder, he tugged at his friend, trying to get him to turn away, “There’s nothing there, man. C’mon. I’ll even give you a boost up, headstart for when I kick your ass.”

 

The brunet’s voice was a soft whisper, broken and cracking as he waved to the mines, tears pooling at the corners of his eyes, “Goodbye, Han.. I’m… I’m _sorry….”_

 

Coaxed by Chris’s hand, Josh allowed himself to be pulled away from the entrance to the mines, though he was shaking and twitching, trying to force back the guilt and self-loathing that rose like bile in his throat.

 

He was abandoning his sisters again…

 

“She’s gone, man. I know you saw her but… she’s not Hannah anymore, Josh. And Hannah wouldn’t want you giving up like this,” Chris wrapped an arm around Josh’s shoulder, pulling him along with careful steps. “Besides. Someone’s gotta carry on the Washington good looks, right?”

 

Josh’s laughter was weak at best, but it brought a smile to Chris’s face nonetheless as he knelt down, offering Josh a hand up to start the climb, “What would you do without my pretty face around, huh, Cochise?”

 

“I don’t think I could live with myself, bro. My world would be bleak,” and it was meant to be a joke, a lighthearted comment, something to laugh about, but there was a ring of sincerity to the words, a drop in Chris’s stomach at the acknowledgement of just how close he’d come to losing Josh forever. And that sincerity had Josh’s heart skipping a beat, warmth flooding his veins again and rushing to his cheeks and the tips of his ears.

 

He was suddenly glad Chris wasn’t looking up right then, because Josh was almost certain he was grinning like an idiot before he quickly looked up at the rock wall.

 

“Race you to the top, Cochise. Last one there buys dinner.”

 

“I hear you on that, Washington. You’re gonna be treating me out to somewhere _nice.”_

 

With the first genuine laugh Josh could remember having in a while, he set up along the cliff face, checking behind him every few feet to see that Chris was hot on his heels, almost level with him. By the time they reached the top, he could look to his left and see blond hair and bright blue eyes, Chris’s expression twisted in concentration as he hopped from rock to rock.

 

“You paid better attention in gym than you thought, bro!” And it was an admission of defeat as Chris pulled himself up over the ledge and turned to look down at Josh, a proud grin on his face.

 

“I guess I did.”

 

Chris extended a hand, offering Josh a pull for the last few feet up and the brunet reached for it, a rock under his foot slipping and throwing him off balance. His fingers caught on Chris’s and the blond held him fast as he dangled over the precipice, eyes wide in terror.

 

Leaning forward, Chris grabbed hold of Josh with his other arm, balance precariously maintained before he pulled the brunet up onto the cliff’s edge, thankful for the first time in his life that Josh weighed next to nothing. Once they were both safely on the snow-covered ground, Chris acted on impulse, pulling Josh close to his chest and holding him there, shaking back and forth.

 

“Maybe.. _you_ should have been paying better attention in climbing class…”

 

Underlying the words was an unending relief, a hint of a sob at the end of the sentence as Chris splayed his hands across Josh’s spine, feeling the bumps and ridges there, but more importantly in this moment, feeling the warmth and the beat of his heart, the slow rise and fall as Josh caught his breath in Chris’s arms. A second’s hesitation and he would have lost Josh, once and for all. He would have had to watch as his best friend tumbled down the cliffside.

 

The very thought had Chris clutching Josh closer, burying his face amidst brown locks of hair as tears fell from the corners of his eyes.

 

Held tight to Chris’s chest, Josh could hear the blond man’s heartbeat, could feel it racing under his ear. It sparked an ache in his own chest, a warmth and a longing for closeness, to be even closer than they already were, and Josh’s arms came up to wrap around Chris, pressing himself as close as he possibly could.

 

“Is this real, Chris?”

 

Nodding slowly, Chris instinctively pressed a kiss to Josh’s hair, rubbing the brunet’s back now as he began to calm, “Yeah, Josh.. It’s all real.”

 

The tension drained from Josh’s bones and he fell limp against Chris’s chest, basking in the warmth there and letting the tears fall from his eyes in full force now. He hadn’t cried in _so long,_ he wasn’t sure he was able to anymore, but the tears came now. Tears for the loss of one sister, for the horrific fate of the other, and for how close he had come to losing the person who cared for him most in the world.

 

“So… so long as you’re real, Chris… Everything will be okay… You make… you make everything okay.”

 

“That’s what friends are for, bro.”

 

The implications behind each of their words wasn’t lost on the other, the love buried amidst the statements and compounded by how close they each held the other, unwilling to let got for even a second.

 

 


End file.
